:: Dead ::

i have been having this feeling of wanting to wake up every morning with the one i love next to me.

suddenly today, i snap out of my dream! wake up my darn bloody idea!

this is not going to happen.
not now. maybe not in the near future.

went coffee with jon just now.
he's right in some ways.
im just like a fish caught onto a fishing rod, but i have not idea the fisherman is pulling me up or just testing the bait.
pulling the hook and urging me forward, thinking it will be the end to my torture but actually its just pure slow torture process.
the fisherman just pull the bait, and release the tight hook again. so in other words, its just a fishing tactic.
moi: ''den why dun i just cut off the line, that way i will be free again''
jon: ''in this case, do U want to cut off the line, or r u so hooked on?''

** thinking**

have i fallen into the trap of love again?
falling for someone who is playing the pull n let go tactic with me again.
im sick of being lil miss nice.
calling, caring, smsing.
to me it means care n concern, to the other party, it might just mean - wooho shes coming on strong, maybe i shd just back away''...
i think this is how it should be.
i m more direct, if i care i care, why shd i pretend i cant be bother.
but towards society of opp gender now, i think i shd just learn to develop my new method of ''heck-care''

maybe i was right all along.
maybe i really aint suitable for a relationship, much less marriage.
its scary how ppl can smile at you on tuesday, then cant even be bother to even glance at you on thursday.
two days make a difference.
what if it is a matter of a lifetime.
i am scared.

when we get into a relationship, it sort of adds an invisible burden on us, but it might be a gd kind of burden if we meet someone who shares our part of the burden.
but if not, it will just be a liability.
得到时有负担失去后会心寒...

i enjoy the feeling of being woo, but i dislike the feeling of being pull n push.
if u have the ball in your court, its fun.
but if u r outside the line, its just pure bullshit.

i dont react violently doesnt mean i condon this behaviour.
its just cause i am pure immune